Well, today started off much better in so many ways. I got some extra sleep, much needed after all the lack of it the last week or so. Got out and picked up a few newspapers and am set on a game strategy for tomorrow. I have some household errands to run, and Avon orders to deliver, and need to drop off a few resumes as well. Trying not to let my anxiety (fear of what will happen tomorrow), overwhelm me is a new thing for me. Most of my life, I have had this problem and did not realize what it was. After the last major upheaval in my life, when I did seek some medicinal help, I found out what it was. A doctor I went to diagnosed me as having anxiety, never knew it, never really knew what anxiety was. I always thought it was like depression, and I knew I was not depressed, I thought I was stressed out! But, she was kind enough to explain anxiety for me and I understood. For many years, since then I have been very successful at controlling it, understanding the nature of what it was helped me to get a handle on it. I feel much freer of fear and stress, just knowing it is my mind creating every worst possibility and letting it scare me to insanity.
After much thought and analysis, I came to the realization that I cannot change my minds ability to to see all the variables of what could happen next. Nor did I want to make my brain stop working the way it did, I like being able to figure out the possibilities and my options, and what the best odds are for me. In my mind that is a good ability to have. So, the next step was to reprogram my brain not to go into fear mode, which I believe was the basis for the anxiety. Fear is not a positive emotion to have, when fear takes over rational decision making goes out the window. Rational thought is what keeps me grounded. It has taken a few days to really get control over those fears, and it is still a daily struggle in many ways. But, I have made up my mind to do all I can to fix the mess I am in, and also prepare myself to the possibility that no matter my best efforts, I could lose everything I know. That is a sobering thought, and that thought alone is what compels me to work as hard as I can not to let that happen. Many times in my life, despite my best efforts, thing went in a direction I did not want. As much as I hated it, things worked out well and all led to new adventures, new acquaintances, and really a new awareness of me and the goals I have in my life now. So much has changed, and although parts of me still mourns the loses, the majority of me is amazed at how much I have survived, and how well things have worked out!
Well, that being said, nothing new today. The lottery did not pick my numbers, yet! I do not have a job offer, yet! I am still warding off the fear demon, but getting more successful everyday. Learning to really love and appreciate those that are reaching out to me, just to cheer me up from day to day. Looking forward to the end of this period of madness, and another new chapter full of new beginnings. Hoping you are having a wonderful day, all my love to you, diana
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