Seeing The Future!

Well, the new day has risen and a new week begins! Sometimes I wish I could see the future and know that it is all going to be okay. This is one of those times. Still no word on my car, no way to get a job and tomorrow, I will have to call to break my lease, giving me 30 days to get my things in order. It is a scary moment for sure. My hope still remains, that by some miracle, I will be able to remain in the home I have made for myself, at least until the lease ends in the spring. Based on the clouds in my life however, rain looks to be coming my way. The forecast is bleak. Now, I can hope that this storm will pass me, as many do in the real world, but the signs are definitely pointing in another direction. So hope I can, but getting the storm gear ready is not just an option. I must be prepared for the worst. That idea is exhausting, but a necessity no matter how tired I am from it.

Wishing to see past the clouds is a normal reaction to a stressful situation, but a frustrating one as well. Because the truth is, that no matter what my heart says. It is not like a movie, or a book, where I can read a head and see the whole picture in clarity. Gut feelings are a wonderful asset, and my gut tells me all will be well, actually better than well. But, when I open my eyes, I am still surrounded by clouds. When I close them again, I can still feel the happiness, but I cannot see that cloudless day, or what it looks like, or in what way I will feel the joy. The fear of the unknown still prevails, and it constantly wrestles with that feeling of hope and well being, making my mind a battle of wills. Who will prevail in the end, hope must, because the alternative is despair. That is not an option, so daily I fight those dark forces, and wait for the day, that this too shall pass.

Today, I will work some more on the drawing for the butterfly (Lupus) fundraiser, and hope to get good news about my car. Good news that it is ready to be picked up and that the cost is not going to wipe out what little money I have set back. I can hope, that once my car is returned that a job is forthcoming in an asap fashion. Delays and inaction, serve to create fear in my life and the sooner I can refocus on using that energy to be productive, the easier it will be to lift the heaviness from my heart. I am ready for that day, beyond ready. Internal peace is my hope for the next week and month or longer. I am ready for a moment to reflect on all of this, and put it to rest. Weariness tugs at my heart and soul, all I need is a good nap! A break in it all to rest and re-balance. Hope you are having a happy Monday, sending out my love to you as always, diana

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Fighting Fear And Loss Of Trust!

Well, today started off much better in so many ways. I got some extra sleep, much needed after all the lack of it the last week or so. Got out and picked up a few newspapers and am set on a game strategy for tomorrow. I have some household errands to run, and Avon orders to deliver, and need to drop off a few resumes as well. Trying not to let my anxiety (fear of what will happen tomorrow), overwhelm me is a new thing for me. Most of my life, I have had this problem and did not realize what it was. After the last major upheaval in my life, when I did seek some medicinal help, I found out what it was. A doctor I went to diagnosed me as having anxiety, never knew it, never really knew what anxiety was. I always thought it was like depression, and I knew I was not depressed, I thought I was stressed out! But, she was kind enough to explain anxiety for me and I understood. For many years, since then I have been very successful at controlling it, understanding the nature of what it was helped me to get a handle on it. I feel much freer of fear and stress, just knowing it is my mind creating every worst possibility and letting it scare me to insanity.

After much thought and analysis, I came to the realization that I cannot change my minds ability to to see all the variables of what could happen next. Nor did I want to make my brain stop working the way it did, I like being able to figure out the possibilities and my options, and what the best odds are for me. In my mind that is a good ability to have. So, the next step was to reprogram my brain not to go into fear mode, which I believe was the basis for the anxiety. Fear is not a positive emotion to have, when fear takes over rational decision making goes out the window. Rational thought is what keeps me grounded. It has taken a few days to really get control over those fears, and it is still a daily struggle in many ways. But, I have made up my mind to do all I can to fix the mess I am in, and also prepare myself to the possibility that no matter my best efforts, I could lose everything I know. That is a sobering thought, and that thought alone is what compels me to work as hard as I can not to let that happen. Many times in my life, despite my best efforts, thing went in a direction I did not want. As much as I hated it, things worked out well and all led to new adventures, new acquaintances, and really a new awareness of me and the goals I have in my life now. So much has changed, and although parts of me still mourns the loses, the majority of me is amazed at how much I have survived, and how well things have worked out!

Well, that being said, nothing new today. The lottery did not pick my numbers, yet! I do not have a job offer, yet! I am still warding off the fear demon, but getting more successful everyday. Learning to really love and appreciate those that are reaching out to me, just to cheer me up from day to day. Looking forward to the end of this period of madness, and another new chapter full of new beginnings. Hoping you are having a wonderful day, all my love to you, diana

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Injection of Sunlight Needed!

Been kind of an off day for me. I feel a little blah. Not quite myself, like feelings of sadness trying to envelope me. Not sure where these feelings are coming from. I could blame it on a million things, but not so sure it is any of those things. A big, black cloud hoovers on the edge of my mind, swirling masses of negativity, trying to force out the sunlight. I am not mad about it, or even annoyed. It is like a curiosity, but a fear too, afraid to see what is brewing that darkness. A bubble bath seems in order and some reflection, a hope that if I walk through the storm, good things will be waiting on the other side. A shot of sunshine would do me good I think, but I am wondering if that will only temporarily stay the gloom.

I wonder if these things are from my past hanging on, and returning to haunt me. Forcing me to do what I always tried to avoid, looking into the darkest corners of my mind. Afraid of what I might see in those dark places. I have always convinced myself that letting the past lie would be my best chance at creating something new and beautiful in its place. Now I wonder if it is like a new coat of paint over a stain, eventually it will bleed through. Even if I paint over it again, coming back at my best moments, to remind me of business not attended to. Do I really want to know what lurks there? At the same time, I am grown now, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, I need to trust myself to be able to handle whatever it is. Trust being the root of all my demons. Trusting myself, trusting in others, trusting in the system and even trusting in a higher power. Core issues, that can make or break me. So I must try.

Not sure how long it will take, but I will start on that journey now as well. I am determined to bring nothing but positive things into my life. Therefore I must be equally determined to get rid of the things that keep me chained to a world of fear and uncertainty. I feel calm and peaceful, I am happy and excited. I do not think it is a hopeless wandering, just more lessons. Learning is always the higher calling. Education of self should be foremost to any other learning. That being said, it has been put off long enough. Let the games begin, so to speak. Love to all who read this as always, will keep you posted………….d

PS, haven’t checked the lottery numbers yet, tomorrow is another day!

U Tube-PA Tax Commercial

Just a note on the scare tactics some governments seem to go to. Amazing that we live in a country where fear has become the best way to control the population. We have a horrible economy right now, and instead of the powers that be, understanding that we all have to work together to fix a mess that in all reality wasn’t a unified mess. They resort to threatening on TV how much power they have, and they aren’t afraid to use it. I am not an angry person, this just amazes me. Not only that some promotional person thought it was a good idea, but the government and the advertisers, no check point from one sane person. No one with enough sense to say, this is a crappy way to treat people!! The very people who are paying for this ad………………..there should be a petition for this kind of behavior, it is unacceptable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybcu2itqvEQ&feature=player_embedded